Understanding the Process of Grief
There is no single way to grieve.
Grief is a natural response to experiencing the loss of someone or something. While we often associate grief with the death of a loved one, grief can follow many different kinds of loss. For example, the end of a relationship or friendship, a significant life transition, changes in health, loss of employment, relocation, estrangement, or the loss of a future we once imagined for ourselves.
Grief can affect us emotionally, physically, cognitively, relationally, and spiritually. It may change the way we experience our daily lives and our relationships with ourselves and others.
Most importantly, there is no single way to grieve.
You cannot always predict when grief will surface or how long it will last. A person may feel relatively okay one day and experience an unexpected wave of sadness, anger, or longing the next. A song, familiar place, anniversary, smell, photograph, or conversation can bring memories and emotions rushing back.
This is all a normal part of the process. Each person experiences the grieving process differently. While there is no universal way to grieve, people may experience some similar emotional responses or experiences throughout the process.
What Are the Five Stages of Grief?
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They were introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her work with individuals facing terminal illness. Over time, these stages became widely known as a framework for understanding grief following death and other forms of loss.
However, it is important to understand that the five stages were not intended to function as a universal, step-by-step process that every grieving person must experience. You may experience some of these emotions, all of them, or none of them. You may move between them repeatedly or experience several at the same time.
Denial: "This Can't Be Happening"
Denial can occur when the reality of a loss feels overwhelming or difficult to comprehend.
You may intellectually understand that something has happened while emotionally struggling to accept it. You might feel numb or disconnected, have difficulty believing the loss is real, or find yourself expecting things to return to the way they were.
Denial is sometimes misunderstood as simply refusing to accept reality. From a therapeutic perspective, it can also be understood as a protective response that allows the mind and body to process overwhelming information gradually.
You do not necessarily have to process the entirety of a loss all at once.
Anger: "Why Did This Happen?"
Anger is a common part of grief.
You may feel angry at yourself, another person, medical professionals, family members, a higher power, or the circumstances surrounding the loss. You may feel angry about what happened, what should have happened, or what you believe could have been different.
Sometimes anger provides a sense of energy when grief otherwise feels helpless or overwhelming.
You may also experience anger alongside guilt, sadness, or confusion.
Anger does not make you an ungrateful, difficult, or "bad" person. It is an emotion that can communicate that something mattered deeply and that something important has been lost.
Bargaining: "If Only..."
Bargaining often involves thoughts about what could have been different.
You may find yourself thinking:
"If only I had called."
"If only we had gotten help sooner."
"What if I had done something differently?"
"Maybe things would have turned out differently if I..."
What if I never…..Or what if I would have…
These thoughts can create an imagined sense of control in a situation where you may feel powerless.
Bargaining can also involve replaying events and searching for an alternative outcome. While reflection can sometimes help us process a loss, persistent self-blame can make grieving more difficult.
Not everything that happened was within your control.
Depression: "How Do I Live With This?"
As the reality of a loss begins to settle in, grief can feel heavy.
You may experience sadness, loneliness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, changes in sleep or appetite, withdrawal from others, or a temporary loss of interest in activities that previously brought you joy.
You may find yourself thinking about how different life feels now.
It is important to distinguish grief from clinical depression, even though they can overlap. Grief is a natural response to loss, while depression is a mental health condition that may require additional clinical intervention.
If sadness, hopelessness, isolation, or other symptoms are significantly interfering with your ability to function or persist over time, speaking with a mental health professional can help you determine what kind of support you need.
Acceptance: "This Is Part of My Reality Now"
Acceptance is often misunderstood as being "over" the loss. It is not. Acceptance does not mean that you are happy about what happened, that you no longer miss someone, or that the loss no longer affects you.
Acceptance may instead mean beginning to recognize that life has changed and finding ways to live within that new reality. You may still experience sadness. You may still have difficult days. You may still miss what, or who you lost.
But you may also begin to reconnect with relationships, interests, goals, and experiences that are meaningful to you.
Acceptance is not about forgetting. It is about adapting. Its about making space within yourself for this huge change and allowing the grief to live alongside your everyday life.
Other Common Experiences of Grief
While the five-stage model identifies several emotional responses that may occur during grief, it does not capture the full range of experiences people can have after a loss. Grief is complex, and people may experience many different emotions throughout the process. Some of these experiences include guilt, loneliness, relief, and yearning.
Guilt: "I Should Have..."
Guilt is a common experience in grief, although it is not one of the five stages identified by Kübler-Ross. It can arise at any point in the grieving process and may take many forms and happen alongside bargaining.
You may find yourself replaying the circumstances surrounding a loss and thinking:
"I should have called."
"I should have noticed something was wrong."
"I should have done more."
"What if I had been there?"
Guilt can also emerge when we experience moments of happiness after a loss. You may wonder whether you have the right to laugh, enjoy yourself, or move forward when someone or something you loved is no longer part of your life in the same way.
In grief, guilt is often connected to our desire to make sense of something that cannot be changed. We may search for the moment when things could have been different, even when the outcome was outside of our control.
Part of grief work can involve distinguishing between responsibility and regret. We may wish we had done something differently without actually being responsible for the outcome.
Loneliness: "No One Understands What This Feels Like"
Loss can create a profound sense of loneliness. You may feel lonely because someone you love is physically no longer there. You may also experience loneliness because the people around you do not fully understand the depth or complexity of your grief.
Sometimes grief can make you feel disconnected from the people around you, even when you are not physically alone. You may notice yourself withdrawing from others, feeling misunderstood, or struggling to connect with people who have not experienced a similar loss. Grief can also change relationships. The loss of one person can alter family dynamics, friendships, routines, and your sense of belonging.
Finding supportive people who can make space for your grief without trying to fix it can be an important part of healing.
Relief: "Am I Supposed to Feel This?"
Relief can be one of the most difficult emotions to acknowledge after a loss.
A person may feel relief after the death of someone who experienced a prolonged illness or significant suffering. Relief can also occur following the end of a difficult relationship, a period of caregiving, or another prolonged and emotionally demanding experience.
Experiencing relief does not mean that you did not love the person or that you are not grieving. Multiple emotions can exist at the same time.
You can feel sadness and relief. You can miss someone and feel grateful that their suffering has ended. You can grieve the loss of a relationship while also feeling relieved that a difficult chapter has come to an end.
There is no single emotion that defines your relationship with someone or the meaning of your loss.
Yearning: "I Just Want Them Back"
Yearning is the deep longing for what or who we have lost. It may look like wishing you could hear someone's voice, see them again, call them, share something with them, or return to the life you had before the loss.
Yearning can be particularly intense because it reflects the attachment and connection that existed before the loss. You may intellectually understand that someone is gone while emotionally continuing to reach for them.
Yearning can also arise in forms of loss that do not involve death. You may yearn for a former relationship, a previous version of yourself, a sense of safety, a home, or a future you once imagined.
These feelings can come and go over time and may become particularly strong around anniversaries, holidays, significant life events, or unexpected reminders. Yearning is not a sign that you are failing to move forward. It is often a reflection of how deeply something mattered to you.
Grief Is Not Linear
One of the most important things to understand about grief is that healing does not happen in a straight line.
Grief does not follow a predictable sequence, and there is no specific point at which you have "completed" grief or fully gotten past a loss. You may feel like you are doing well for several weeks or months and then unexpectedly find yourself overwhelmed by grief.
Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, familiar places, songs, smells, photographs, or significant life events can bring emotions back to the surface. Experiencing another loss can also reactivate feelings connected to previous losses.
These moments do not necessarily mean that you are moving backward or starting over. They are a natural part of the way grief can change and resurface over time.
You might experience acceptance and still feel profound sadness. You might feel anger years after a loss. You might experience grief and gratitude at the same time. You can feel deep sadness while also laughing, traveling, falling in love, celebrating, or building a new life.
These experiences are not contradictory.
You can grieve and still experience joy. You can miss someone and continue living. You can carry sadness while creating meaningful new experiences. You can move forward without leaving everything you have lost behind.
This is also why the stages of grief are better understood as possible emotional experiences rather than stages that must be completed in order to heal. You may experience some of these emotions, return to them at different points in your life, or experience several at the same time.
None of this means that you are grieving incorrectly.
Ultimately, healing from grief is not about getting over the loss or leaving it behind. It is about learning how to live with what has changed and finding ways to carry the loss while continuing to participate in the life that remains.
Why Does Grief Come Back?
Many people become concerned when grief resurfaces after they thought they had "moved on." But grief does not necessarily disappear simply because time has passed.
Instead, our relationship to grief can change.
Life experiences can also bring old losses into new focus. Getting married, becoming a parent, moving to a new city, reaching a career milestone, or experiencing another loss can remind us of people or parts of our lives that are no longer with us.
Sometimes grief waits quietly in familiar places, in old neighborhoods, photographs, airport terminals, songs we forgot we loved, or the scent of someone's perfume.
This is why grief can sometimes feel unexpected.
A trigger does not mean that you are going backward. It may simply mean that something meaningful has been activated.
Learning to Live With Loss
The goal of grief therapy is not necessarily to eliminate grief. Instead, therapy can help you develop a healthier relationship with your grief and create space for the loss within the life you are continuing to build.
This may involve:
Processing difficult emotions surrounding the loss
Working through guilt, anger, regret, or unresolved feelings
Adjusting to changes in identity and daily life
Developing healthy ways to remember and honor what was lost
Reconnecting with relationships and sources of support
Learning to tolerate difficult emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them
Finding ways to experience joy without feeling guilty
Creating meaning after loss
Exploring how the loss has affected your relationships with yourself and others
For some people, grief can also bring up earlier losses or unresolved experiences. A current loss may open the door to emotions connected to experiences that happened long before the present loss.
Therapy can provide a space to explore these layers with compassion and without judgment.
You Do Not Have to Grieve Alone
There is no universal timeline for grief. There is no correct way to feel. And there is no requirement that you "get over" the people, relationships, or experiences that have mattered to you. Healing from loss does not mean forgetting. It means learning how to carry what happened while continuing to participate in the life that remains.
Sometimes that means moving forward. Sometimes it means slowing down. Sometimes it means allowing yourself to feel what you have been trying not to feel. And sometimes healing simply means learning that you can carry grief without allowing grief to carry you.
If you are struggling with a recent loss, experiencing complicated or prolonged grief, or finding that grief is affecting your relationships, work, or ability to engage with daily life, therapy can provide a supportive space to process your experience and find a path forward.